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in pencil and ball point ink, were included and the crossed out sections ommitted, since the corrections were the ones used on the album. There was a lot of adlibbing during the taping, so the actual album is sometimes different from the script. Mr. Freberg, and others, added "Uhh" or "Uh hah," etc.
(Transcribed by Jerry Burling - jbwa7azl@pacbell.net) FINAL DRAFT
FREBERG UNDERGROUND # 1 Written by Stan Freberg and Pete Barnum Capitol Records CAST STAN FREBERG . . . . . . . . . . . . JUNE FORAY . . . . . . . . . . . . PETER LEEDS . . . . . . . . . . . . BYRON KANE . . . . . . . . . . . . NAOMI LEWIS . . . . . . . . . . . . CHARLES LANE . . . . . . . . . . . . DONNA FREBERG, JR. . . . . . . . . . WILLIAM WOODSON . . . . . . . . . . JUD CONLON'S RHYTHMAIRES . . . . . . BILLY MAY & BAND . . . . . . . . . . "FREBERG UNDERGROUND" 1. LP, SIDE A WILLIAM WOODSON From deep within his fantastic headquarters, far beneath the city's hum, comes the first terrifying edition of Freberg Underground. WOMAN Leapin' lizards. What was that? STAN FREBERG That was a man talking through a cardboard tube. WOMAN Oh. STAN FREBERG Go ahead please. WILLIAM WOODSON Who knows what evil lurks in the hearts of men? STAN FREBERG Helen Gurley Brown? WILLIAM WOODSON Right. (OPENING MUSIC UP AND UNDER) STAN FREBERG (Singing) If you're wondering what this thing you're listening to is all about, What you're hearing is the audio debut, Of an underground recording quite Frebergian no doubt, "FREBERG UNDERGROUND" .2 STAN FREBERG (Cont., Singing) And with luck maybe controversial too. Mr. Irving P. Lavernay, Who's the Capitol attorney, Promised I can say satiric things like, Marv says Sandy. But when all is said and done, He'll certainly offend no one, He's nice clear through, And he's Red White and Blue. He stands for Mom's Apple Pie and LBJ, Lawrence Welk and The American Way. A more conservative man could not be found, Welcome to Freberg Underground. WILLIAM WOODSON And now here's the star of Underground, in a plain brown wrapper, Stan Freberg. MUSIC AND APPLAUSE: OUT STAN FREBERG Good evening. You may be wondering how the title of this program, Freberg Underground, came to be selected. Capitol records simply fed several show titles into a computer, and that is the title the computer selected. Among the titles the computer rejected were The Green STAN FREBERG (Cont.) Hornet, The FBI In Peace And War, The Romance Of Helen Trent, The Kate Smith Hour, and Renfrew Of The Mounted. Any questions? WOMAN Yes. What kind of a weird album is this, anyhow? STAN FREBERG Well, you might call it an audio program. WOMAN Pardon? STAN FREBERG Well, there didn't seem to be any more network comedy shows on the radio anymore, unless you could count Barry Goldwater's acceptance speech from the Cow Palace in 1964, and I suppose Ma Perkins is still running somewhere. But other than that, there are no more comedy radio shows, which concerned me extremely. WOMAN (ANNOUNCING LOUDLY) Extremism in the pursuit of comedy is no vice. "FREBERG UNDERGROUND" .4 STAN FREBERG Nicely put, yes. At any rate, I shall try to appear in these audio specials on a regular basis. Along with me on our anti-establishment excursion will be my splendid little stock company of players and singers, and a battery of white lipped attorneys. WOMAN Will the program be broadcast over the radio? STAN FREBERG No, you have to go into the record store and buy it. And so, welcome to pay radio. PETER LEEDS (ANNOUNCING LOUDLY) Father of the year award. STAN FREBERG Thank you, Peter. PETER LEEDS Each month Mr. Freberg will pick a worthy person or institution to receive The Freberg Award. SOUND EFX: SMALL DRUM ROLL AND "FREBERG UNDERGROUND" .5 STAN FREBERG Thank you. It wasn't much, but thank you. Tonight, to start the ball rolling, our Father of The Year Award goes to....May I have the envelope please? Well. Dr. Edward Teller, father of the Hydrogen Bomb. Wonderful. You've got Dr. Teller on the phone? Right, here. I'll take it. (SPEAKING AS IF INTO A TELEPHONE) STAN FREBERG (Cont.) Hello, Dr. Teller? Congratulations, sir. How does it feel to be the father of such a famous bomb? What's that? You couldn't take all the credit? Yes you could, too. Where have we reached you, sir? In your bomb shelter. How long you been down there? Oh, you're living there right along now, huh. I see. And the family, yes. Well, on behalf of the entire world, let me just say thank you for giving us the Hydrogen Bomb. What's that? Use it in good health? Right. Thank you Dr. Teller. And on that joyous note, let us get on with the show. (MUSIC UP AND UNDER) "FREBERG UNDERGROUND" .6 WILLIAM WOODSON The Shaft Theatre, on the air. A tribute to television programming which has attained that which the medium is truly capable of. Tonight, the story of a press agent and a political candidate. The Shaft Theatre Presents, THE FLACKMAN AND REAGAN. ANNOUNCER (EMULATING BAT MAN ANNOUNCER) 1966. A zowie year for an election campaign. And in Film City, USA, Ronnie Reagan, and his press agent Flackman, plan their strategy. REAGAN Golly, Flackman. Will I really get to be Governor of California? FLACKMAN You will, if you can start conducting yourself like a politician, and forget that you were ever in show business. REAGAN I forgot it already, believe me, sweetie. SOUND EFX: ONE PERSON TAP DANCING REAGAN (Cont.) I was telling my makeup man just this morning... FLACKMAN Stop that tap dancing. "FREBERG UNDERGROUND" .7 REAGAN Wait a minute, watch this. SOUND EFX: TAP DANCING CHANGES CADENCE REAGAN Here's how I'll come tapping down the stairs for the press in Sacramento. Waving a little American flag. Maybe have Shirley Temple by the hand. FLACKMAN Nobody ever tap danced his way into public office. REAGAN What about George Murphy? FLACKMAN Shut up. SOUND EFX: TELEPHONE RINGS FLACKMAN (Cont.) The Flackphone. SOUND EFX: TELEPHONE RECEIVER FLACKMAN (Cont.) Yes, commissioner? He did? When? We'll be there in five minutes. SOUND EFX: TELEPHONE RECEIVER REAGAN What is it, Flackman? The Riddler? "FREBERG UNDERGROUND"
.8 FLACKMAN The Governor. REAGAN Worse yet. FLACKMAN He's just announced that he's not going to turn this state over to Ronnie Reagan and his bunch. REAGAN Holy Sacramento. Why not? FLACKMAN Let's put our thinking caps on, Ronnie. REAGAN Right. FLACKMAN The Governor is a Democrat. You're a Republican. REAGAN True. FLACKMAN Democrats don't like to turn their states over to Republicans. That's it. REAGAN You've figured it out. FLACKMAN It certainly is a bizarre attitude, all right. SOUND EFX: DOOR KNOCK "FREBERG UNDERGROUND" .9 FLACKMAN Yes. SOUND EFX: DOOR OPEN MAID A couple of baseball players here to see you, Bruce. SANDY Hiya, Flackman. DON Hiya, Flackman. FLACKMAN Sandy, Don. What can I do for you? DON Well, we were on the Hollywood Palace, see... FLACKMAN Yes. SANDY ...and we were hoping that maybe you could help us to be Governor. REAGAN Wait a minute. Wait a minute, I'll handle this. You think you can just jump from the ballpark to one lousy TV guest appearance and that qualifies you to be Governor? Oh, no, that's not the way it works. "FREBERG UNDERGROUND" .10 SANDY REAGAN You get a few movies under your belt, and then maybe people will accept you as governor material. DON I know, but... REAGAN Later. SOUND EFX: DOOR SLAM REAGAN (Cont.) Some of these kids today, huh? FLACKMAN Yes. Meanwhile, we've got to get you elected. Come on, old friend, to the Flackmobile. SOUND EFX: CLOTH RIPPING REAGAN Golly, Flackman. How can I ever repay you for helping me? FLACKMAN Well, for openers, you can take your foot off my cape. MUSIC: UP AND UNDER SOUND EFX: AUTOMOBILE REAGAN What's that little bicycle wheel dragging along behind the Flackmobile? FLACKMAN I'm trying to see how much farther I can go on Platformate. (MUSIC UP AND OUT) COMMISSIONER Well, Ronnie, have you deciphered the Governor's statement that he wouldn't turn this state over to you and your bunch? REAGAN Flackman figured it out, Commissioner. It's because I'm a Republican, and he's a Democrat. COMMISSIONER Incredible. The mind reels. FLACKMAN That's only part of the riddle, Ronnie. What does he mean by your "bunch"? REAGAN Search me. COMMISSIONER Frank Sinatra. Dean Martin. Sammy Davis Jr. REAGAN Wrong bunch. COMMISSIONER John Wayne. Barry Goldwater. William Buckley Jr. REAGAN That's the bunch. "FREBERG UNDERGROUND" .12 FLACKMAN Wait a minute. Bunch. Banana. Top banana. He's referring to your show biz background. REAGAN Holy George Jessel, Flackman. That's it. Show me a man who won't turn his state over to show folk, and I'll show you a crabby old Governor. FLACKMAN Nicely put, Ronnie. REAGAN What's the matter with movie stars, anyhow? MUSIC: SINGLE VIOLIN REAGAN (Cont.) Look at us. Do we not have teeth? Hair? Shoulders? If you prod us, will we not run for Governor? And if you prick us, will we not get emotional? I will not have my integrity questioned.... SOUND EFX: FAST FOOTSTEPS AND COMMISSIONER Well, he blew up and walked out of the room. It's not like him. FLACKMAN Yes it is. Come back in here, Ronnie. SOUND EFX: DOOR OPEN "FREBERG UNDERGROUND" .13 REAGAN Hi, gang. FLACKMAN Must you be so dramatic? REAGAN Look at it this way. If I blow the Governor bit, there's always the Academy Award, right? FLACKMAN Good thinking, Ronnie. Now it's time for your appearance on Face The Press. To the Flackmobile. SOUND EFX: CAR ROAR, REAGAN Why have we stopped? FLACKMAN This isn't the Flackmobile. We got in a Yellow Cab by mistake. CABBIE You're tellin' me. Now would you mind gettin' off my lap, buddy? FLACKMAN Sorry about that. REAGAN Let's go. MUSIC: UP AND OUT "FREBERG UNDERGROUND" .14 ANNOUNCER Disengaging himself from behind the wheel, the cowled crusader slides off the cabbie's lap and into the TV station with Ronnie. CHRISTOPHER Welcome once again to Face The Press. We'll start our questions with Miss Craig. CRAIG Mr. Reagan, as a Republican, running for an important public office, what would you say are the crucial issues here? REAGAN Well, the most crucial thing to me, that takes precedence above everything else, is that I come across on television better than Nixon did, when he ran for President. CRAIG Would you consider that crucial? REAGAN Well, it was to Nixon. One lousy makeup job, zap, wiped out. Just like that. CHRISTOPHER The color question was raised recently by some factions. I wonder if you could give us a few facts on that. "FREBERG UNDERGROUND" .15 REAGAN Yes, well, he used the Max Factor number 4 beige to cover up the five o'clock shadow, but it came out like clown white. CHRISTOPHER Mr. Reagan, what is the name of your press agent? REAGAN Flackman. Leonard Flackman. CHRISTOPHER And where is he at the moment? REAGAN He's over there, changing in that phone booth. CHRISTOPHER Oh, I see. Well... REAGAN Here he comes now. SOUND EFX: PHONE BOOTH DOOR FLACKMAN (OUT OF BREATH) Sorry I'm late. Those leotards are murder. CHRISTOPHER Well, that brings up an interesting question. Although you're dressed in a business suit now, Mr. Flackman, why are you frequently seen leaping about in blue tights, a wide yellow belt, boots, a cape, and a mask? "FREBERG UNDERGROUND" .16 FLACKMAN I try to blend in with the crowd on the Sunset Strip, as much as possible. CHRISTOPHER I'll accept that. CRAIG Mr. Reagan, you've spent most of your life in Hollywood. Surely you realize that California's problems are statewide. Mr. Christopher, for example, wonders how you feel about San Francisco. REAGAN Yes, well. I think it was one of the great pictures of all time. CRAIG Can't we get down to cases here. If you were Governor, how would you have handled the Watts Riots? FLACKMAN Be careful how you answer that, Ronnie. REAGAN Right. I stand on my record. If you consider the way I dealt with civil disobedience in GIRLS ON PROBATION and LAW AND ORDER, I think you see the kind of leadership that is needed in this state. CRAIG Well, what would you have done about the unrest at Berkeley? "FREBERG UNDERGROUND" .17 REAGAN Once again, as far back as NAUGHTY BUT NICE and right up to SHE'S WORKING HER WAY THROUGH COLLEGE, I had a first hand knowledge of student problems, of one sort or another. I straightened out Betty Grable in that last one. CHRISTOPHER Sir... CRAIG But those are movies. What about the... REAGAN Of course it's important that a Governor has a sense of humor, too. It isn't all heavy drama. Did you catch me in BEDTIME FOR BONZO? CRAIG BEDTIME FOR BONZO? These are violent times, Mr. Reagan. How are you equipped to handle a major crisis? REAGAN (SHOUTING) In KING'S ROW, I lost both my legs. How's that for a crisis, lady? What do you want from me? FLACKMAN Cool it, Ronnie. REAGAN Ok. "FREBERG UNDERGROUND" .18 FLACKMAN There's something fishy about that woman reporter, underneath that wig... SOUND EFX: WIG REMOVED FLACKMAN (Cont.) ...and that rubber mask... SOUND EFX: RUBBER MASK FLACKMAN (Cont.) How now, Brown Governor? REAGAN (SURPRISED) The incumbent himself, in a May Craig suit. BROWN That's right. And I'm not gonna turn this state over to any handsome, virile, republican movie star, with all his hair, and a nice smile. REAGAN Why don't you try smiling for a change, instead of looking so crabby all the time? BROWN You'd look crabby, too, if you were governor of a state full of kooks, like this one. SOUND EFX: RUNNING FEET BROWN (Cont.) Of course, you'll never get the... "FREBERG UNDERGROUND" .19 SOUND EFX: WINDOW GLASS BROWN (Cont.) chance...... REAGAN Zowie, Flackman. Did you see that footwork? FLACKMAN Yes. He jumped from the far left wing of the stage, onto the loose liberal plank and your platform, catapulted himself right out through the window onto the middle of the road, and got away. REAGAN That's what I call a tricky Governor. Oh well. CHRISTOPHER Have you any final words before we sign off, Mr. Reagan? REAGAN Just this. MUSIC: GIVE MY RAGARDS TO BROADWAY REAGAN (Singing) Give my regards to Murphy, And leaders of the GOP, Tell all the boys in Sacramento, That I've found the rest of me. Tell them of how I'm yearning, To mingle with that smoke filled throng, "FREBERG UNDERGROUND" .20 REAGAN (Cont.) Here we go... Give my regards to Lyndon, too, And tell him I'll be there ere long. ANNOUNCER Will the quick Ronnie Reagan jump over the crabby Brown Governor, gubernatorially speaking? Don't miss the next star studded election. Same big state. Same big libel suit. MUSIC: UP AND OUT ANNOUNCER The nineteenth century fairly crackled with the brilliant inventions of Thomas Edison, Samuel Morse, and Alexander Graham Bell. Tonight, we welcome the 20th century inventor, who has tried to streamline Mr. Bell's invention. The inventor of all digit dialing, Mr. Ned Numeral. STAN FREBERG Good evening. NUMERAL Good evening. STAN FREBERG Take a couple steps to your left, there, Mr. Numeral.
"FREBERG UNDERGROUND" .21 NUMERAL SOUND EFX: FOOTSTEPS All right. Ok? STAN FREBERG Oonch a little bit further. NUMERAL To about where that big "X" is on the floor? STAN FREBERG That's right. NUMERAL SOUND EFX: FOOTSTEPS Very well. STAN FREBERG Ok. Let her go, boys. NUMERAL What do I do... SOUND EFX: TRAP DOOR NUMERAL (VOICE TRAILS OFF) now... SOUND EFX: WATER SPLASH STAN FREBERG I hope he had some shark repellent there with him. So much for digit dialing. And now... SOUND EFX: DOOR KNOCK "FREBERG UNDERGROUND" .22 STAN FREBERG (Cont.) Excuse me just a moment. Come in. SOUND EFX: DOOR OPEN EMERSON Mr. Freberg? STAN FREBERG Yes? EMERSON (AUTHORITATIVELY) I'm from the telephone company. STAN FREBERG My check is in the mail. EMERSON I was referring to what you did to Mr. Numeral. I didn't find that too amusing. STAN FREBERG Oh? EMERSON It might interest you to know that all digit numbers are easier. STAN FREBERG Really? "FREBERG UNDERGROUND" .23 EMERSON People are tired of trying to remember things like Murrayhill 5 or Trinity 6. Too hard. We simplified it for them. We gave them area code 212-473-29768, for example. STAN FREBERG Oh, world of difference there. I didn't notice you consulting us about it, though, putting it up to a vote. EMERSON We put it up to the machine. STAN FREBERG The what? EMERSON The computer. Here, I have a picture of it in my wallet. See here? It's called Univac. STAN FREBERG Ah, yes. EMERSON Here's another shot of it, taken with our two smaller machines. That was taken last summer. STAN FREBERG You have a nice family. The oldest computer there... EMERSON Univac? "FREBERG UNDERGROUND" .24 STAN FREBERG Yes. It has a familiar look to it. EMERSON Really? Well, it's standing right over here. STAN FREBERG Where? SOUND EFX: FOOTSTEPS EMERSON Mr. Numeral was planning on giving you a digit demonstration before you were so rude to him. STAN FREBERG Sorry about that.. EMERSON I'll just pull the curtains aside here. STAN FREBERG Alright. SOUND EFX: CURTAIN ROD AND EMERSON Meet Univac. STAN FREBERG Did this computer select the actual name all digit dialing for you? EMERSON Yes. STAN FREBERG What were some of the names it rejected? EMERSON The Green Hornet. The FBI In Peace And War. STAN FREBERG Yes. I thought it looked familiar. Does it do away with a great many employees? EMERSON It eliminates 832 point one persons. STAN FREBERG Is that a fact? EMERSON We feed our problem into the computer, it thinks it over for a while, and zap, out comes the answer. Here, I'll give someone's old telephone number to the machine. Let me see. Lackawanna 8400, and show you how it's converted to an all digit number. We just slide the card in a slot here. There we go. SOUND EFX: COMPUTER BEEPING UNIVAC The card you have given me (click) is outside my programming area. I convert only At (click) water through Judson. Lackawanna is handled by another computer. Please check the yel (click) low pages of your instruction manual for the proper machine. This is a recording. "FREBERG UNDERGROUND" .26 EMERSON Heh heh. That's sort of embarrassing. STAN FREBERG Embarrassing? Yes. EMERSON Yes. Here, I have another card. There we go. STAN FREBERG It was sort of all scrunched up in your wallet there. Does that matter? EMERSON That doesn't matter. SOUND EFX: COMPUTER SOUNDS UNIVAC The card you have given me is mutilated. It may be that you have folded it incorrectly or carried it all scrunched up in your wallet. Please make sure, from now on, that it is a nice straight card and that you are feeding it to me correct (click) ly. This is a very angry recording. EMERSON Well, that gives you a rough idea. STAN FREBERG Yes indeed. EMERSON There's no nonsense with the computer, you know right where you stand. "FREBERG UNDERGROUND" .27 STAN FREBERG A little to one side, I should imagine. Do you foresee an all digit society with numbers for people instead of names, Mister...I didn't catch your name. EMERSON Emerson. I. B. Emerson. That's the sum and total of it, yes. All digit dialing is just the beginning. And you wait. It's going to get a tremendous reception. STAN FREBERG And I think I hear it coming now. SOUND EFX: DOOR OPEN AND MOB STAN FREBERG He's all yours, folks. EMERSON No, no, please. Help. Put me down. Just wait until you try to get an extension phone. SOUND EFX: DOOR SLAM STAN FREBERG Looks like they've got his number all right. All right people. Let's open our Manhattan Telephone Directory Hymnals to page 212. WOMAN What area code? STAN FREBERG All right, cut that out. Here we go. MUSIC: UP AND UNDER STAN FREBERG AND CAST (Singing) They took away our Murrayhills, They took away our Sycamores, They took away Trafalgar and State, They took away our Plaza, our Yukon, our Michigan, And left us with 47329768, remember Susquehanna. With a hi ho 370, And a merry 54422, Who said it's cumbersome, See the nice number some, Univac machine's gone and picked out for you. They took away our Lexingtons, They took away our Delawares, They came and got Tuxedo and State, They swiped ElDorado, and Judson, and Trinity, And left us with 47329768, Blessings on the telephone company. With a hi ho 370, And a merry 54433, Goodbye dear old prefix, Hello 736, Oh, they're a million laughs down at AT&T. MUSIC: UP AND OUT END, LP SIDE A LP, SIDE B STAN FREBERG Over the last couple of years the world of modern art has been shaken up with a new kind of art. It all started with the painting of chicken noodle soup cans by Andy Warhol. Later he painted chicken gumbo. He didn't want to repeat himself, y'know. Where it will all end is something I don't care to think about. But by way of examining this upstart art, we take you now to the chic Manhattan apartment of Mr. and Mrs. Bud Taste. Take it away George Spelven, in New York. SPELVEN Thank you, Stan. Mr. Taste, I guess you hold the record for acquiring the largest collection of Pop Art in the country. Correct? MR. TASTE Yes. Or to put it another way, in as far as acquiring the widest collection of Pop Art in the country, I hold the record. SPELVEN I see. Well, let's start with this light bulb mounted on a marble base. What is this? MR. TASTE I think it's about sixty watts. SPELVEN Now that's a striking abstract sculpture over there.
MR. TASTE Yes. That's a wrecked automobile fender by John Chamberlain. SPELVEN Oh. What does he call it? MR. TASTE Wrecked Automobile Fender. SPELVEN Well, can you describe this unusual grouping of pop sculpture, right next to it here? MR. TASTE I think I'll let Emily tell you about that one. MRS. TASTE Well, yes. This is a life sized plaster replica of myself, Mr. Taste, and our German Shepherd, Buster, in repose. SPLEVEN It seems the sculptor made an actual casting of you, did he? Is that right? MRS. TASTE Yes. SPELVEN And how was that accomplished? MRS. TASTE He just came in one day and gunnited us. "FREBERG UNDERGROUND" .31 SPELVEN And how did your dog react to that? MRS. TASTE He didn't care for it too much. SPELVEN But, he finally went for it. MRS. TASTE He went right for his throat, yes. SPELVEN Yes. Well, I can imagine. MR. TASTE Yes. Your average German Shepherd doesn't like to be gunnited. SPELVEN I've heard that said, yes. Do I see someone else in the grouping there? MRS. TASTE That's the gas man. He accidentally walked into the line of fire. Now, he belongs to the ages. SPELVEN Let's move on to the living room now, if we may. MRS. AND MR. TASTE Yes, surely. SPELVEN I notice what appears to be the rear half of a Greyhound bus parked just inside your living room here. "FREBERG UNDERGROUND" .32 MR. TASTE Yes. That's called BACK SEAT 37 GREYHOUND. SPELVEN Yes. And, what's inside the back seat of the Greyhound bus? MR. TASTE The back seat of a 37 Dodge. SPELVEN And what's in the back seat of that? MR. TASTE Much ado about nothing. SPELVEN Yes, well, this is effective. The whole dining room wall is covered with a reproduced comic strip, complete with jungle warfare, and so forth. Do you find overtones of Myotonia here? MR. TASTE No. Steve Canyon, mostly. SPELVEN Well, it's a very moving tableau; the machine gun going rat, tat, tat, tat, tat. Do you and your wife find a message in the work? MR. TASTE Yes. The message for Emily and I in that work is rat, tat, tat, tat, tat. "FREBERG UNDERGROUND" .33 SPELVEN I should say. MRS. TASTE Won't you sit down? SPELVEN Where would you suggest? MRS. TASTE We sit on the hamburger, usually. SPELVEN Yes. I noticed it there. A six foot wide amazingly realistic cheeseburger covered in, ...is that mohair? MRS. TASTE Sesame seeds. We use it as a divan, but it's the work of a young girl we've tried to encourage, Mary Ann Tuffett. MR. TASTE Yes, this was her hamburger period. After this, she worked in hot dogs for about six months. MRS. TASTE We have her very first hot dog upstairs. We use it as a love seat. Fortunately, the room is done in mustard, so it ties in perfectly. SPELVEN Oh, how appropriate. "FREBERG UNDERGROUND" .34 MR. TASTE She did a mural for us in the dining room. She worked on hardtack instead of canvas. Very exciting technique. SPELVEN Oh? MR. TASTE Oh, how beautiful. Vivid green peppers, vibrant red tomato paste, real hamburger meat for texture, and mozzarella cheese over the whole thing. She called it NOODLES IN CONFLICT. SPELVEN Well, I'd certainly like to see that one. MR. TASTE Gee, I'm sorry, we ate it last night. SPELVEN How has her work generally been received? MRS. TASTE Enthusiastically. Her CLUBHOUSE SANDWICH 66 was just bought by the Johnsons. SPELVEN Lyndon? MRS. TASTE Howard. "FREBERG UNDERGROUND" .35 SPELVEN What better place for Pop Art. And now back to Hollywood and Freberg Underground. SOUND EFX: WHISTLE STAN FREBERG Thank you. And now we'd like to... MARY ANN FEENSTER Mr. Freberg? STAN FREBERG Yes? Who are you? MARY ANN FEENSTER I'm Mary Ann Feenster, I'm ten years old, and I've been sitting in the audience? STAN FREBERG Yes? MARY ANN FEENSTER I've been thinking about what you said about how you're doing this because there aren't any more radio programs? STAN FREBERG Yes? MARY ANN FEENSTER Mr. Freberg. What's a radio program? STAN FREBERG Well. When you listen to the radio in the morning, what do you hear? "FREBERG UNDERGROUND" .36 MARY ANN FEENSTER Disc jockeys and news, or sometimes news and disc jockeys. STAN FREBERG Ah. MARY ANN FEENSTER Is it possible to hear something else? STAN FREBERG It was back in the 1940's. Yes. MARY ANN FEENSTER Back in the olden days? STAN FREBERG Yes. There were what we call radio programs, like what we're doing here, with actors, and live musicians, and sound effects men, and guest stars. MARY ANN FEENSTER Oh, you mean like a television program, when the picture tube blows out. STAN FREBERG Something like that. Yes. MARY ANN FEENSTER What did you look at? STAN FREBERG You didn't look at anything. You just listened. MARY ANN FEENSTER Boy, talk about your radical ideas. "FREBERG UNDERGROUND" .37 STAN FREBERG Look. Dear. You're just too young to remember, I guess. I'll have someone from the audience explain it. Anybody here remember radio? Anybody, anybody at all? OLD WOMAN I do. STAN FREBERG Oh, good. Here's a lady. Here's a lady. Come right up here, madam. Watch your step, dear. You do remember radio programs, do you? OLD WOMAN Oh, yes, yes, I remember them. STAN FREBERG You used to listen to them, did you? OLD WOMAN I did as a girl, yes. My goodness, yes. STAN FREBERG For the benefit of this young lady, could you tell us what it was like? OLD WOMAN Well, it was...oh dear. I'm trying to remember... STAN FREBERG Just take your time. "FREBERG UNDERGROUND" .38 OLD WOMAN Well, if my memory serves me correctly, we'd hurry to get the dishes done, and we'd all sit around the living room, listening to the...uh... STAN FREBERG ...Radio. OLD WOMAN Radio. That's it. MARY ANN FEENSTER Pardon me, what did you look at while the radio was on? OLD WOMAN Oh, we looked at each other. Kind of stared off into space while Inner Sanctum was on, The Whistler, The Shadow. The weed of crime bears bitter fruit. Do you know who said that? MARY ANN FEENSTER Who? OLD WOMAN Lemont Cranston. That's who. Compared to him, my dear, James Bond is a fink. MARY ANN FEENSTER But I still don't know what you used for pictures. STAN FREBERG You used your imagination. MARY ANN FEENSTER Your what? STAN FREBERG Look. You could do things on radio that you couldn't possibly do on television. My sound effects man and I will give you a demonstration right now. MARY ANN FEENSTER Ok. STAN FREBERG (SHOUTING, AS IF TO A GROUP) Okay, people. Now when I give you the cue, I want the 500 foot mountain of whipped cream to be shoved into Lake Michigan, which has been drained and filled with hot chocolate. Then, the Royal Canadian Air Force will appear overhead, towing a ten ton maraschino cherry, which will be dropped into the whipped cream, to the cheering of 25000 extras. Alright, cue the mountain. SOUND EFX: MOUNTAIN SOUND STAN FREBERG (Cont.) Cue the Air Force. SOUND EFX: MANY LARGE AIRPLANES STAN FREBERG (Cont.) Cue the maraschino cherry. SOUND EFX: BOMB DROPPING STAN FREBERG (Cont.) Okay, 25000 cheering extras. SOUND EFX: LARGE CROWD CHEERING "FREBERG UNDERGROUND" .40 STAN FREBERG (Cont.) Now. You wanna try that on television? MARY ANN FEENSTER I see what you mean. STAN FREBERG You see, radio was a very special medium. It stretched the imagination. MARY ANN FEENSTER But doesn't television stretch the imagination? STAN FREBERG Up to 21 inches, yes. OLD WOMAN Mr. Freberg? STAN FREBERG Yes? OLD WOMAN What did they do with all those radio people? Did they go into a rest home? STAN FREBERG No, they went into television and, after about 26 weeks, they went into a rest home. Thanks for being with us. MUSIC: UP AND OUT "FREBERG UNDERGROUND" .41 STAN FREBERG What with the continuing interest in folk music and hootenannies, I got to worrying the other day. What kind of folk songs will they be singing a hundred years from now? I mean, they can't go on forever singing about cotton and plantations. All that boll weevil jazz. The people of the next century should have songs to sing about which reflect life as it was in the 1960's. And so I've started the ball rolling, by writing a few folk songs for our time to be sung in the year 2066, but still keeping that Stephen Foster flavor. Imagine, if you will, that a hundred years have passed, and that I am a folk singer of that era. MUSIC: BANJO FOLK SINGER Good evening. I'd like to sing for you now an old folk song about freeways. A freeway was a long ribbon of concrete. And the people used to ride what they called automobiles on them, back in the 1960's. This was, of course, when the oil companies were still able to suppress the invention of water driven vehicles, and we all remember what a hullabaloo there was about that. Anyway, they put these gasoline driven automobiles onto these freeways and drove them back and forth, every day, back and forth. And as they drove, they sang this plaintive song. OH, DAT FREEWAY SYSTEM. "FREBERG UNDERGROUND" .42 FOLK SINGER (Singing) See de automobiles, Oh, dat freeway system. Talk about your painful ordeals, Oh, dat freeway system. Lawd the misery I feel, Oh, dat freeway system. Like a play of Eugene O'Neill's, Oh, dat freeway system. Oh, what grief, At the cloverleaf, My massa run out of gas, Now he's losin' his wheels, Oh, dat freeway system. What he hollers isn't genteel, Oh, dat freeway system. Ezekiel saw the wheel, Right there in the middle of the freeway, Hear the tires squeal, Gonna be some Sigalert. SOUND EFX: AUTOMOBILE CRASH All up and down the aggravation, Sadly the honk, "FREBERG UNDERGROUND" .43 FOLK SINGER (Cont., Singing) While their radios play, Bad jingles, Or, at best, The Beatles, Seldom Theloncus Monk. FOLK SINGER And then of course, they sang songs about their various heroes of the day. Here's one. Bobby Baker, He seemed like a nice enough guy, Bobby Baker, There was more to him then met the eye. He might have missed that big expose scene, If he had only kept his nose clean. Bobby Baker, There was more to him then met the eye, eye, eye, eye, Poor Bobby Baker, He says they've uncovered as much as they can, Unless they decide to dig deeper. FOLK SINGER Now a song of great sadness and heartbreak, DEY TOOK AWAY MY DINER'S CLUB CARD, LAWD, LAWD. "FREBERG UNDERGROUND" .44 FOLK SINGER (Singing) Oh my heart am heavy, And my soul am saddened too, I've got to say a fond farewell, To the life I have lived, And to good times bid adieu. Because, Dey took away my Diner's Club Card, yes, yes, And they said it was no longer mine, Then they took away my 'Merican Express Card, too, Now I gotta lay cash on the line, lawd, lawd, I gotta lay cash on the line. Oh the pain I'm feelin', And my heart am most acute, I've got to shell out 20 bucks, For the check I picked up, And a four dollar tip to boot. Because, Dey took away my Diner's Club Card, yes, yes, And they said it was no longer mine, Then they took away my 'Merican Express Card, too, Now, I gotta lay cash on the line, lawd, lawd, I gotta lay cash on the line. FOLK SINGER A lotta people, a lotta young kids, bring there Diner's Club Cards. Here's a folk song that the old folks would sing to their children in the summer evening. A song of great frustration and anguish. FOLK SINGER (Singing) Which is the girl? Which is the boy? Which one is Blanche? Which one is Roy? What a dilemma, With their duplicate hair, Just when you think you've kissed Blanche, You discover that's Blanche over there. The only way that you, Can tell Bernard from Liz, Is if she's back combed hers, When he has ironed his. Which is the nephew? Which is the niece? Which one is Ralph? Which is Bernice? How to detect them, It's as everyone says, She looks like Senator Dirksen, And he looks like Joan Baez. "FREBERG UNDERGROUND" .46 STAN FREBERG Well, the old clock on the wall says we have to go now. I do want to mention, however, that in our next Pay Radio album, along with more folk songs and The Shaft Theatre, we will be covering such subjects, in the national interest, as the courtship of George Hamilton, that'll be a good one, the problems of surfing in Albuquerque, New Mexico, a panel discussion questioning the advisability of the new LSD breakfast cereal, Sugar Frosted Acid Flakes. One good thing about that, the kiddies probably watch less television that way. Get their own programming going there. Also, a brief explanation of our foreign policy, providing we can find anybody to explain it, and, oh yes, our version of the Watts Riots as a musical. So until next time, this is Stan Freberg saying, we're a little late, folks, thanks for listening, God bless you, and goodnight. CLOSING MUSIC: UP AND UNDER ANNOUNCER From Hollywood, this has been the first edition of Freberg Underground, written and directed by Stan Freberg. Featuring June Foray, Peter Leeds, Byron Kane, Naomi Lewis, Charles Lane, Donna Freberg, Jr., and Jud Conlon's Rhythmaires. Music arranged and conducted by Billy May and George Bruns, with original "FREBERG UNDERGROUND" .47 ANNOUNCER (Cont.) songs by Stan Freberg. All libel suits should be addressed to Mr. Irving P. Lavernay, Capitol Attorney, Hollywood, California. Stay tuned for the next Pay Radio edition of Freberg Underground, which will be heard over most of these same record players. Bill Woodson speaking. END, SIDE B |
