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Elderly Man River  
Elderly Man River

    (From Stan Freberg CBS Radio Show #6. Transcribed by Dave ( and Eric Hullquist)

    Freberg: Well, it's great to be with you tonight. We have a ...

    Tweedly: Pardon me Mr. Freberg, my name is Mr. Tweedly.

    Freberg: Well, we all have our problems.

    Tweedly: I'm the censor form the Citizens Radio Committee and uh, I feel...

    Freberg: You are from the Citizens Radio Committee?

    Tweedly: Exactly what I said, yes. And I...

    Freberg: And what is your purpose in being here.

    Tweedly: I must OK all the material used on your program here, and I think the best method is to just sit back here and interrupt when I feel it's necessary.

    Freberg: You mean you plan to stop me every time I do something YOU think is wrong?

    Tweedly: Exactly, I'll just sound my little horn like this, <HONK!> and then you stop and I'll tell you what's wrong.

    Freberg: Somehow I can tell this is going to be one of those days.

    Tweedly: You just go right ahead Mr. Freberg don't mind me.

    Freberg: Yeah, Now I'd like to sing... <HONK!>

    Tweedly: You forgot to say "Thank You" Mr. Freberg, Politeness is essential in radio programming. Your program goes into the home, we must be a good influence on children.

    Freberg: I see uh... that's a nice little horn you have there, thanks very much Mr. Tweedly.

    Tweedly: You're welcome I'm sure

    Freberg: I'd like to sing a old river song in honor of National Mississippi River Boat Paddle Wheel week Mr. May if you please.

    Tweedly: Very Polite Mr. Freberg.

    Freberg: Old Man Riv <HONK!> All right tweedly, politeness I dig, but what in the world is wrong with "Old Man River"?

    Tweedly: The word "old" has a connotation some of the more elderly folks find distasteful. I would suggest you make the substitution please.

    Freberg: I suppose you insist?

    Tweedly: Precisely.

    Freberg: OK, music <HONK>

    Tweedly: You forgot to say "Thank you".

    Freberg: Thank you, Mr. Tweedly.

    Tweedly: You're quite welcome I'm sure.

    Freberg: Elderly Man River, that Elderly Man River, he must know somethin' but he don't say nothin <HONK!> All right hold it fellas, Now what Tweedly?

    Tweedly: The word "something" you left off the "g".

    Freberg: But that's authentic, "somethin', somethin'," that's the way people talk down there.

    Tweedly: I'm sorry, the home is a classroom Mr. Freberg.

    Freberg: I know you said that.

    Tweedly: Keep in mind the tiny tots. And further more, think back. You'll recall you said, "but he don't say nothin", That was in quote. Now really Mr. Freberg, that's a double negative. do you mean "he does say something"?

    Freberg: No I just wasn't using my head I guess.

    Tweedly: I mean, after all, it should be grammatically correct. keeping in mind the tiny tots, you probably mean "he doesn't say anything".

    Freberg: I-I-I I suppose I mean that, I guess, all right fine, you win, OKBilly, music... <HONK!> Thank you! thank you.

    Tweedly: You're welcome I'm sure

    Freberg: Elderly Man River, that Elderly Man River, he must know something but he doesn't say anything he just keeps rollin', rolling, he just keeps rolling along.

    He don't <HONK!> doesn't plant taters, potatoes, he doesn't plant cotton and them, these, those, that plants them are soon forgotten, but Elderly Man River, he just keeps rolling along...

    Tweedly: Excellent

    Freberg: "You and me,


    Freberg: The tiny tots again was it?

    Tweedly: Exactly.

    Freberg: Sorry about that, here we go.

    You and I, we sweat <HONK!> perspire and strain... bodies all achin' and racked with pain...

    well, we got by that one

    Tote that barge! Lift that bale! You get a little...

    Take your finger off the button now, Mr. Tweedly. We know when we're licked.

    Well, that concludes "Elderly Man River." Now turning to the sports page here... <HONK> Oh yes, and thank you for being with us Mr. Tweedly.

    Tweedly: You're welcome I'm sure.