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Columbus Discovers America
Columbus Discovers America

    (The first scene of "Columbus Discovers America", transcribed by Mark Pettibone)

    Narrator: Fourteen-ninety-two, Madrid, the queen of Spain grants an audience to an obscure Italian sailor. There in her chambers plans are made destined to change the course of history.

    Columbus: Alright, we'll go over it once again. First you hock the jewels, you give me the money and I buy the ships. Then I discover the new world, you dump the king, and I'll send for you.

    Isabella: You say you'll send for me, darling, but will you?

    Columbus: Oh, look! We've been all through this before!

    Isabella: I know, but really, you're such a dreamer! You'll go out there and you'll sail right off the edge of the world.
    Columbus: I will not!

    Isabella: Wait! You're such a charming boy, darling. Why don't you forget all this? I'll set you up with a nice little Fiat agency over in West Barcelona.

    Columbus: I don't want a Fiat agency.

    Isabella: Well, why don't you go to art school like your friend da Vinci? I'll put you through.

    Columbus: Look, if Lenny wants to starve to death, that's up to Lenny. Me, I want to discover the new world. Carry out my dream . . .

    Heralder: His majesty, King Ferdinand!

    Isabella: *gasp* The king!

    Columbus: "Oh, sure, he'll be at the inquisition all afternoon," eh?

    Isabella: The time just slipped away. Quickly, take the jewels and go, over the balcony. (sound of door opening and footsteps)

    Columbus: Too late.

    Isabella: Good afternoon, dear. How was the inquisition, amusing?

    Ferdinand: Dullsville, same old . . . Hey, who's that?

    Isabella: Oh, you remember Christopher Columbus.

    Ferdinand: Oh, you mean old "Round, Round World?" You and your Bohemian friend.

    Isabella: He's not Bohemian. He's Italian.

    Ferdinand: Italian, Bohemian, look at him in that hat! Is that a crazy sailor?

    Isabella: Crazy? I'll tell you how crazy! He's a man with a dream, a vision, a vision of a new world, who's alabaster cities gleam undimmed by human tears, with purple mountain majesties above the two cents plain . . .

    Ferdinand and Columbus: Fruited.

    Isabella: Fruited. He holds these dreams to be self-evident, this round, round world, with Indians and justice for all. Let us then go forward, together, towards Miami Beach, that the dream of this crazy Italian boy, indivisible, should not perish from the map!

    Ferdinand and Columbus: (clapping) Bravo! Bravo!

    Columbus: Was that moving. Was that a great bit?

    Ferdinand: Listen, I always said this girl had a lot . . . wait a minute! I ask a simple question, I get a pageant. Why should Spain sponsor you? Why don't you go to Portugal?

    Columbus: I did. They bought "The Price is Right."

    Ferdinand: Oh.

    Columbus: Then I have your permission to sail?

    Ferdinand: Have you had your shots?

    Columbus: I have.

    Ferdinand: (grandly) Permission granted.

    Columbus: Gracias, arivaderci.

    Ferdinand: Hasta la vista.

    Isabella: Adios.

    Ferdinand and Columbus: Adios muchachos companeros . . .

    Ferdinand: Will you get out of here! (sound of running)

    Ferdinand: Strange, he left by the balcony.

    Isabella: Force of habit, I guess. Ferdinand: Yeah . . . Er, how's that again?

    Isabella: Nothing!
    Ferdinand: Isabella, when are you going to quit fooling around with these nuts?